It’s been 5 months of knowing you—not a long time—but, it’s been long enough to realize that you will always hold a special place in my heart. Since we started talking 5 months ago, I never stopped thinking about you or caring about you. After all, for the last few months that we have been talking, I learned that you are all that I ever wanted in a man: honest, trustworthy, loyal, a good sense of humor, caring, loving, a good friend and a hard working man. Although, I have always been somewhat picky about men and known to have high standards because I’d not easily settle with—or for—a man, you easily intrigued me and caught my attention. You are my kind of man, my kind of book, my kind of beauty; my kind of everything. In my eyes, you are flawless, inside and outside. In fact, when we started talking few months ago, I impatiently waited for those long messages that you’d send me at the end of the day after you finished work. Everything else seemed mediocre but, you, exceptional. Whenever we talked on Skype, I tried my best not to show you how nervous or anxious I was because I wanted to give you the best impression that I could. You were amazing; calm and composed. There was a look on your eyes—your brown eyes—that look sent shivers down my spine and stirred my heart with the sensations of all kind. I wanted to be touched and loved; by you. I imagined what it’d be like to wake up by your side and be held in your arms. I wanted to share your laughter and sorrow and to take care of you. Nonetheless, I was scared of the inevitable. The mere thought of myself falling for you frightened me when I already knew that I was in love with you. I longed to hear your voice. Isn’t it funny how love makes us so vulnerable and naive? Inevitably, talking to you became my favorite part of the day. Yes, I still read those messages because I believe somewhere along those words is where I fell for you. You were sweet, caring and above all, I felt that you respected me; something that I haven’t quite experienced many times in the past. We had so much in common. I felt safe getting closer to you and comfortable opening up to you, even though you had trouble opening up to me at times. You were getting there and I wanted to keep encouraging you to share things more openly and help you learn to express yourself. I did encourage you, but, I believe you were scared of being vulnerable and putting yourself out there too much—and I wasn’t. I wanted to be vulnerable with you. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. You decide. Regardless, I shared most of myself and my writing with you which I normally wouldn’t do with most men. No guy has ever made that far no matter how long they were dating me. I loved your perspective of things and how you were a hard working man. That is attractive and definitely sexy to me because I work as hard as I can. You inspired me in many ways and I had an immense respect for you; I still do. The way you were patient with me, brought me even more closer to you. I never thought that a man could possibly be willing to handle me for the handful that I am. I am uncontrollable and a wild thing. Regardless of how many men showed me their interest in me or offered me to marry, I always sought something deeper—whatever it is—than just a man’s commitment. Committing doesn’t necessarily mean that you love someone with all you have. I sought intimacy and unconditional love from a man. Love goes beyond the commitment and materialistic things. For me, love means accepting, caring, wanting, trusting and knowing that this special person matters the most to you and willing to share your life with them. Maybe I just don’t know what love is.
You listened to me and understood me. “Minds in love do seem to think the same way,” you said. How incredibly true! No one ever understood me any better than you. In fact, talking to you made me realize that I have never actually shared myself openly with a man before. I found myself wanting to talk to you more and more. Despite everything else, you kept me sane. With you, everything fell into right place and made sense. Even though, you never wrote or expressed yourself in words as much as me, your brown eyes held an anthology to every aspect of life. You were intense, challenging, and stubborn. You seemed like a close male version of me. I wanted you to be my best friend; the one who would have my back and be my rock and would never leave me. I was drawn to you so much that sometimes it left me scared. Nevertheless, I wanted to share my yesterdays, todays and tomorrows with you; I wanted to let you in. I have never felt connected to anyone as deeply as I felt connected to you. I wanted to know the details, to read you, every chapter of you and to memorize you, to get to know ‘the real’ you; maybe I did.
Somehow, for the last few weeks, you suddenly changed from the sweetest guy to the meanest guy on earth. You’d completely ignore me, my texts, calls and every attempt that I would make in order to get in touch with you. You would not respond at all and go on days without talking to me. I would send messages to check up on you or simply to talk to you but to no avail. You were suddenly distant and wasn’t there. You had let the distance in. No intimate conversation, no real conversation, just a mere “I am fine,” here and there—if I’m lucky. No more I love you’s. In fact, when was the last time you said it? While I don’t have to hear it every day, it’d still help on tough days to remind myself that I am loved. Every girl needs reassurance once in awhile. Don’t you think it would break a heart to suddenly feel like they are insignificant to the one they love? Don’t you think feeling neglected, ignored by the only person that matters to you would hurt like hell? If you asked me, the answer is—it does. It leaves them suffering, hurting and wondering what the hell they did wrong to deserve being treated like shit. While it was completely exhausting and painful, I spent hours replaying the conversation between you and me in my head and tried to figure out if and when did I say something wrong, stupid or offensive. Consequently, I ended up blaming myself up for everything. You acted as if I meant nothing special to you anymore. It felt as if someone pierced though my heart and left it to bleed. It might have hurt less if you said you lost interest in me or found someone better, than leaving me wondering if you still loved me. Then, at least I’d have a reason to convince myself that it’s something that’s out of my control. But, what is funny—and sad at the same time—is how just a month ago, you’re the one who was worried when I said that I had planned on taking a second job. I discarded the idea of a new job at once, because to me, your concern mattered; your feelings mattered. The time zone difference were exhausting and confusing yet I stayed up late at nights till you get home from work. I compromised because, you were enough for me. I believe you were worth it all. May be I wasn’t.
I saw us going somewhere: taking that road trip which I never was able to go on, fishing in the lake, camping, raising a family together and sharing our lives together. Shockingly, I had trouble forming that picture of myself with someone else before. But, with you, the picture was crystal clear and beautiful. In many ways, I can say I loved you deeply. I can also say that I did my best to make you happy; I would do more. Above all, I wanted to be your best friend and the person you trust with your deepest secrets and I wanted to be a part of your life that you have never shared with any other girl in the past. I wanted to be the last girl who gets to hold you and kiss every inch of your body and heal your soul. I couldn’t wait to run to you at the airport and finally kiss you. Now I wonder if I will ever get that chance. May be I never will.
I don’t blame you for anything. In fact, if I blame someone, I’d only ever blame myself. I love you, in every way that I could possibly ever love someone. I don’t know how we got here but I want to get out of here and continue from where we left off—the place where we both were happy—because, if we keep trying, maybe we still can.
Hopefully you’ll stay.